I received a phone call today. Our last day in Miami. A most fateful day I assume. I don’t usually get too philosophical on this blog because I don’t think about it. There’s the hassle, the game, my family and that’s all I talk about. But let’s talk about Fate for a minute.

When we talk about fate a lot of people talk some hand of god, stars aligning type fate. But I usually think that these moments are merely a coincidence. Things happen, and we live through all of these things happening. But It’s just such a funny and peculiar thought. I never thought that I could believe in =something such as fate until a day like today.

There we are on the beach for one last time because Orlando has crap beaches. I received that phone call I was telling you about. From a place called MDM commercial. I didn’t think anything of it because it’s just read like an advertisement or something.

At first, the person asks me if I would like to hear their promotion on commercial ice makers, and then I say that they called me. They told asked my name; I said it was Jet, and they knew what was up. They redirected me to a hospital service nearby. Apparently, nobody but the salesperson in this hospital had it.

So when they call me and tell me that my father has passed on. It kind of sticks with me for a second. I felt like an island. I was one with the sand and the water and all slipped away from me. I was aware that my family was next to me. But I wasn’t aware of when I walked into the water or when I started treading water. Or how I can’t swim too well.

I wasn’t aware of anything until I woke up to some guy asking me if I could hear him. I wasn’t prepared for any of this. I don’t know if I will ever be prepared for something like this. But, I know what I must do now. I must stay together for my family and focus on their development. I need to help my mom get back in school and help my sister grow into the great woman she’s meant tao be.

It is awful when things like this are what kick you into gear. But when you’re in gear you’re in gear. I don’t know if I’m going to keep doing this blog or for how long I would want to do it, but I know that as of right now. I’m hanging up my chain for right now. IF you need me, truly need me, ask yourself whether or not it’s a good idea to message me. I will respond if you truly need me but for the most part, I ask that you respect that you leave me alone. I showed you the respect by offering you a good bye, or a temporary placeholding statement. But as of right now. I do not want to be contacted. I need to be alone and focus on me. Bye.

Moving on Up, Wine from the Cup

My family finally decided to take the vacation. I didn’t want my mom to take money away from my sister, so I ended up paying for the trip. I should have left when I had the chance. But I’m also glad I stayed. Oh, I hate this.

So anyway, here I am in Miami. It’s pretty nice so far except it’s far louder than what I’m used to being a part of. The place is nice, and we see a bunch of shows and stuff while we’re down there. But it’s also just nice for all of us to have some time off and be together. We’re often far too absorbed in our work and school and ourselves to be able to do anything together as a group.

It’s a nice thing to be able to have our time together. The only complaint I can have so far is that there has been a lot of construction lately near us and where we live. These guys with their knuckle boom loaders might as well be called Sonic boom loaders because I am now deaf.

Nah but I went up and called these Petersen Industries guys and asked if they needed any help making their workers quieter and they hung up on me so I don’t think I was as kind as I should have been.

I also took the opportunity to go out to a nice club when I was here. This place called Space has some cool people there, and I met some amazing people. I never knew that I would like trance music so much, but it’s ended up being one of my favorite things.

I spend a lot of time reading some great articles on this website called TranceLife; you guys should check it out, yes I am officially giving a shout out to my fans. All 6 of you!

But I’m feeling inspired. I feel like this trance music thing is the step in the right direction. A great blend between this natural feeling I have towards wilderness and being alone and the verbal onslaught that happens with freat hip hop. I think that it’s getting to the point where I can find a way of doing both and I should.

I feel like I’m becoming who I should be. Like I’ve got a new idea. I think I’m going to invest in a club and set up a cool club in Orlando. I think I’m going to call it peas and potatoes.

Money Ruffles, Leaves Fall

So I had a very interesting moment happen earlier today. Almost like a godsend moment. It’s been a few days; I skipped this weekend, so I’m still in Orlando, just enjoying my weekend off wth my sis when a couple of envelopes end up on our text.

We get a call from a nice sounding gentleman right around the time the envelopes arrive. It turns out that My father has been diagnosed with something serious. He has a living benefits insurance plan, and so he withdrew it and gave us each $30,000 and disappeared.

I don’t know where he could have gone or what he’s doing, but I have such a bizarre twisting in my stomach. He went away, took so much from us and now he’s given back so much. 30,000 is a life-changing amount of money, and I don’t even know where, to begin with it.

I might move to Detroit or somewhere, Michigan seems like my kind of place, and I can make that money last forever in a town like that. My whole life is spreading ahead of us, and we only have PrimeStar to thank for that. I’m just so excited now I feel like my life is finally happening.

But at the same time. I know my father. I’m never going to see him ever again. If I were him, which I sometimes wonder if I am him. He would go somewhere far away and be alone. It seems to be in his nature to just go off and do things in a solitary manner. I wonder if that kind of money can be traced, or how long he’s been doing something like this for.

This whole plan requires so much training. It makes me wonder if it was expedited because of what happened between that one guy and me from the company. I wonder if he was scared that I would become him and left him alone.

My sister is already looking up information on how to invest the money or how to put it in savings. She’s so smart. I wonder if I should do the same. Should I stay or should I go? On one hand, I yearn to be a lone tree resting separate from the forest, growing thin from the cold.

On the other hand, I need to make sure my family is safe. As much as I hate to be a part of it, I am responsible for how my sister will turn out. What kind of man would I be if I left her alone with my mother? A financially independent liability and a youthful liability with too much financial problems.

I can always wait until December to make the choice. It doesn’t have to be now. I think I’ll wait. I think I’ll just sit here and wait.

Beat Box, Beet Pops

So the thing with the other guys didn’t work out. I’m looking for other kinds of work to get me out of Orlando. I’m just really torn up right now. I have this constant struggle of should I stay or should I go. It’s troubling.

I know that I should go and start my life and not let other people hold me back. But it’s my sister; I want to make sure that she’s taken care of. But I look at my mom, and she’s been trying to leave ever since I was born. My dad too, but my dad left, and he didn’t even get that far.

Not only was he able to do what we’ve all wanted to do but as soon as he’s done it he’s been labeled by everyone involved as a villain, I included. I hated him for leaving our family and I always will but now that I’m older I envy him. He was able to leave even though it’s been me that’s had to step in place of caretaker for my sister.

On the other hand, she’s beginning to completely care for herself. Which in turn does make me feel somewhat neglectful at times because I won’t even know I didn’t do something because she’s already done it. It’s starting to mess with my head in places. Sometimes I don’t know if I should stop or go.

But who knows. I’m just trying to be real; I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it in this game but I do know that I’m simply trying to spit some rhymes. Who cares what the problems are or what I have to go through, I can speak the true on my own.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping; mom says I sound like a tornado in a wool factory, which is her slick way of saying that I snore. I’ve been checking out these sites like Sleep Group Solutions in an attempt to be able to find better ways of sleeping, but I just don’t have the money to be throwing out for oral appliance therapy.

I wake up exhausted sometimes and wonder if I’m awake or asleep still. I am having these bouts of reality at any given time. I sometimes feel like I’m watching that movie Enter The Void like I’m just floating in between places.

I just want to be a cloud of smoke rising high above the sky Growing into the atmosphere and just hanging out among the clouds. I hate being so tied to where I am right now. But I still don’t know if I should float away or just walk from place to place. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get out of here, float north somewhere and turn into the ice that I’ve always wanted to be. Colder than cold, cooler than cool.

the stage

Muted cough, soft splash

I don't know eitherLet me tell you a little story about what it was like growing up with my dad. For a long time, things were okay. IT was just me, my mom, and my dad. And back then we were all happy. My dad worked at a steel plant and that is how we made most of our money, and things were pretty cool.

Then my sister came along, and my dad left. Apparently, having two of us is what made things especially hard for him. So now he’s alone, and he still has to pay for us because of child support. Now that I’m not on the payment plan for being a father, he invites me over to hang out with him all the time. So I see my dad.

So when a bizarre thing happens, and my dad gets mad at me. I don’t know how to react. I want to be mad at him but why waste the effort? He just wanted out; I hope I never have to make that decision. Here I am. You see we’re at a marina hanging out when a gentleman strikes a conversation up with me asking me how I like the water. I hate it. He laughs.

I don’t want to talk to this guy, but I feel I should just because I’m bored. He asks me if I know anything about ‘boat lifts for sale.’ No. No, I don’t. I don’t even know if he realized how little I know or cared about talking to me, but he offers me a job at this company.

This company called US Hoists is a direct competitor for my dad’s job and me kind of like the idea of using all the information I picked up from him to do the same thing. I feel like I could grow with a company that offers me a job north of here. It’s not new york but it’s Pennsylvania, and that’s closer than anything.

But it makes me wonder you know? Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life? I don’t know anything about hoists, and I don’t care. I want to be a rapper, and I think that I can do something genuinely amazing that will speak to people and move them. But maybe I’m not the person to make that choice.I don't know

Maybe it’s my sister, and I have to support her. She’s amazing, genuinely amazing at things that are important. She’s doing great in school and acing all of her science classes. Maybe she can cure cancer or something, and I don’t even know. The world I want to live in is one where I can change things and make a difference. I don’t know if I can do anything with rap. But I do know that I can make things better for my sister, and she’s what matters the most.


Slow Roll, Hot Stove

fish and lureBack up for the weekend again. I’ve got my headphones on, and I’m hanging out on the bus. Light poles flashing past my face as the beats bang against my ears.

Do you ever just stop to wonder how electrical poles got there? How long did it take to create these mega highways? I get to just coast on through them on a bus, but I don’t think about just how impossible it must be to get there. The cars are darting back and forth through the lanes like fish avoiding the lure. I wonder how many people have gotten it wrong?
What would that be like for your final moment? Just realizing you miscalculated so poorly that it will cost you your life? Will you think that you have maybe made similar mistakes before as well? Will you even have time to think? I hope I never make a mistake like that, the fact that something you do on a whim could cost you everything. It’s terrifying.

On that note, of mistakes. I’m going back to see my dad. This time, I don’t have a choice in the matter. He wants to talk to me about “small portable air compressors.” He is working so hard to get me out of the job that I work at, but I don’t think he realizes that I don’t want to live in Jacksonville. It’s nice, but it’s not the kind of place that I live in.

I’m not sure that I want to work in the Compressed Air Division of Ring power. As great of a company that it is, I just don’t want to do it. I feel like he’s doing all of these things as some apology to me. But it just feels like an apology to himself.

New YorkI’ve been listening to a lot of Run the Jewels lately. It makes me reconsider the harder stuff and the braggadocio that plagues so much rap music. I may not be completely interested in the process, but the play style is just so raw and masculine. I don’t listen to enough music that just emboldens that reckless, do damage attitude and I like the rush that it gives me.

It makes me want to run. I want to feel the body pump fire; I want to feel the wind cool my skin. I want to feel my hair throttle itself in the wind. I don’t want to be here. I want to get away from it. I want to run and keep on running. I want to run faster than anyone’s ever run before. I want to break this cycle. I want to get out of Jacksonville; I want to get out of Orlando. I want to get away from the sand and the sun. Bring me the concrete and the lamp lights. I want to be in the city, dwarfed by my dreams and the tall towers that contain them. I want to move to New York. I want to move to Chicago. I want out of this place, and I want to get out as soon as possible.

lion that roared

Snaking drains, slaking brain

dark manI’m not a macho guy. I don’t flex; I don’t push myself or puff myself up. But when someone’s in my house I get a little territorial. I don’t like people being here with my mother present, and I especially don’t like it when I’m by myself. I don’t want to be taken advantage of or taken for a ride. So I may come off as very confrontational, but it’s just because I don’t trust people.

So when we find a leak in the middle of the night, we have to call someone up. My mom being old school goes through the yellow pages ‘alphabetically.’ She finds some All hours emergency plumber and gives him a call. Turns out the guy’s from Jacksonville but just so happened to be in town. What is this, my dad?

It’s not by the way. But it just put me on edge all night. I couldn’t sleep when he was there and could hardly sleep after he had left. There’s something about being a guy that changes things in you. You don’t trust as easily. It’s hard to relax when you’re just out in public. There’s too much on the line, too much at stake to be able to be relaxed.

I feel like the Punisher sometimes, I just have all of this energy and rage inside me. It’s hard to be able to talk about it because it also feels shameful. I don’t want to be temperamental and emotional. I want to be in control and authoritative; you know like a man?

It’s all so confusing and upsetting. I just can’t handle these emotions. The only way I can deal with them is to channel them, usually into my raps. Just getting it out there verbally is what helps me. It drains me to have to pound out all of these words and ideas through words. The added challenge is making the rhymes happen and sound good. Trust me it ends up being a little more challenging than it sounds but its a way to be a lion tamer.

schoolI don’t want to be a person of animosity. I want to be understanding and good and smart. I wish I could be better than I am, and I want to try. But I don’t know how. Some people think that it’s going to be the school that does it, but I just can’t go to school. I don’t have the money or the time for it when I’m watching my sister and the extra money sometimes goes to helping with the house. I know my mom doesn’t like working long hours to come home and not have much wiggle room herself.

You know… typing this out makes me wonder sometimes. It makes me wonder if mom made the leak happen. How does a leak happen in the middle of the night? Maybe mom just wanted to be around another person for once. It’s always either home or works with her, and I don’t think she has a lot of middle ground in her life. I hope she can be happy.

crushed dreams

Proposed Vacation, Imposed Elation

Mom thinks it would be a great idea if we got a vacation home in South Florida. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong, but her head is in the clouds big time here. There is a problem, and we are on hard times and getting a house anywhere other than Memphis or Alabama is just out of our hands. But she sounded hopeful.

No money“I read about houses for rent in the keys.”

“On the islands? In the middle of the ocean, where rich people live?”

“No there’s some for some good prices, if we put our money together, we can make it happen.”

“It’s never going to happen; I don’t even want to live in Florida.”

That’s when I realized that my mom never knew that I hated living here. And in one fell swoop, I destroyed her dreams. She not only had her vacation dreams crushed, but she realized then that I have been saving up to move somewhere with better music and culture and cheaper homes.

I just can’t afford to live down here or even move around for that matter. How can I expect to live on an island if I can’t even move around on it? I’m hopeful and I love my mom, but there’s no way I’m moving down there.

I just feel bad you know? I know that we are both on hard times and trying to make ends meet, but we have to move somewhere that’s financially viable, not a place because it’s nice. Living in nice places is the death of creativity and the artist’s ability to create.

How are we even supposed to move? What are we going to move Kayla out of school? Away from her friends and further from her scholarships? It’s just irresponsible man. We just have to tough it out for another 6 years until she’s safe Kayla’s the future man.

how I feelAnyway, I’ve been listening to a lot of Death Grips lately, and I’m digging their stuff. There’s so much aggression in their sound and the way they make their music works with that so well. I think I’ve found the genre that I like most “Music that doesn’t want to be heard.”

I’ve also started dabbling in Crystal Castles who also have a similar style. They have a lot of their beats and sections in their songs that just hurt to listen to. I mean that too like it hurts my ears when they hit some of the notes, but when you endure it, there’s a special feeling you get.

It feels like you’re able to overcome something from within. There’s a battle that only you can listen to and understand. Not to imply that other people don’t feel it too, but you get to overcome it personally. Like how you see all of those people eating hot peppers. Everyone is doing it because everyone wants to do it themselves. Music can be like that, music can feel like a triumph, even if the battle never happened at all.


JAX on route, sweat pants and work boots

Man, I hate the sun. I’m not trying to be gloomy for gloomy’s sake, but it’s the kind of thing that I enjoy thinking and writing about. But then the sun is out, and everyone is all happy and smiling, and I just can’t deal with it. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to cause people discomfort or My weatheranything like that I just don’t want to have to deal with people, at all, especially when they’re smiling.

The only time of year that I enjoy is the times like this; there’s a ton of rain, and it’s always dark out. I just feel more creative when there’s a storm brewing, like the clouds are leaving my thoughts and surrounding me. When it’s storming out, it feels like the world, and I are on the same page for once.

I’m on my way to Jacksonville for the weekend, going to visit my dad and hang with him for a little bit. He works for this big ring power company, so he can have the weekends off. But usually, during the week he is too busy selling Caterpillar dump trucks. A very specific thing to sell but I don’t know what it is particularly.

Being in between two cities is fun because every week is different. But the fact is I love the bus rides. Like 30 bucks for the bus round trip and I get to waste 4 to 6 hours on the public commute.

There’s a special glow to bus rides when you get it right. Sometimes it’s not easy because people will try to talk to you and stuff. But busses have the ability to be this amazing thing. When you’re there, and you’ve got your two seats to yourself and your settled in and you’ve got your headphones on, it’s magic.

But what makes it truly magical is that everyone is literally in sync. Nobody talks or moves around, occasionally you’ll get a person with a phone call. But come on, they don’t want people to hear, so it’s a muted sound while your headphones are jamming.

brings people togetherEveryone is in the same state of mind; everyone just wants to relax and jam. If they’re jamming it’s by themselves, some people are asleep. But you could stare at anyone on the bus, and they’d all be doing the same thing, relaxed. Listening to tunes.

People who say that music doesn’t have the ability to inflict change on people has never been on a bus at night. They don’t know that no matter what has been going on through these people’s days or weeks or years, on that bus there is serenity. They relinquish control because the bus driver is on point. They can’t do anything but wait to get there. So you just put your headphones on and relax. It’s the most peaceful thing in the world I swear.

Sometimes, I’ll put on one of my beats, my baby beats and I’ll turn it on. And I’ll watch the passenger’s heads move slowly back and forth with the road. And I like to pretend that they’re listening to me, and they’re feeling me. And it makes me feel a little bit closer to humanity because they get me, and I get them.

headphones on

Akira Incarnate, Caped Clad in Garnet

I had the usual morning with my sister and me; we were watching Maury or something. We usually bounce off between that and Wendy Williams early in the morning. It’s a bunch of nonsense, but it’s a great thing to wake up to. Just a lot of information being hurtled at you with startling speed, trying to wake up, but in the couch, we recede.

garbage collectionGarbage Collection came by earlier, and that ended up being much more interesting to watch for a little bit. My little sister is cute; she was asking me what I thought they were throwing away and wouldn’t accept ‘garbage’ as the answer. It went a little bit like this:

“What do you think is in those bags?”


“No silly! What do you think is in the garbage bags!?”

“Trash, I don’t know man watch the sh-”

“I think it’s a body.”

“… why do you think there’s a body in the trash?”

Then she giggles and says I don’t know. Man this is what the beginning of scary movies are all about. I’m going to wake up the next morning, and she’s going to be on the ceiling or something. So then I closed the blinds, such a weird name for a trash company. Advanced Disposal.

So now I’m on the bus to work. You ever try typing a blog post with your thumbs? It feels the same as writing a blog post for Facebook, except I’m dignified now, I have my domain, I don’t need Facebook, I’m better than that I’ve got SMS textiles, a name so fresh they don’t make a best by date for it cause I can’t be sold!

my commuteSometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be great like Em or Lupe. I know that Tupac and Biggy are a big deal, but it’s hard because they always rapped about stuff in a good way or were great on the spot, but I’m talking about making raps so lyrical they hook into your brains and steer you in ways of thinking you never thought before.

Like Eminem is so capable of making anything rhyme because he raps phonetically, but it’s still sensical whenever he does it, and it’s a marvelous sound. And Lupe can rap about things that are actually dark that still provide perspective in an empathetical way.

What makes these truly impressive is the fact that these are still amazing songs just as songs. But they can have that storyteller quality to it like you’re in a moment, like you get to be inside the head of someone else, but they’re feeling you the same way.

When you’re listening to “I am” you feel this destructive tendency that Eminem has, and it’s aimed and geared towards critics, fans, people in general. Which is marvelous, because you don’t expect to hear a piece of art that is so against having listeners.

Little Weapon does a great job of taking the modern rap style of intense battle raps and turning it into a political statement about child soldiers. It’s showing how music glorifies aspects of life that are needs of survival for some people.

These both take these weapons from the artist and turn it onto the listener and it’s so provocative and intense, but at the same time very accessible and masterfully performed. I want to be able to do that.